Safe Anchorage: Chapter Four

[libraryseraph]

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Jeyne was aching. It had no real source, she just felt pained and tender, like some sort of overripe fruit. She rubbed at her shoulders and back, trying to soothe it a little. Her fingers brushed against her stomach, and she froze. It was hard to tell, through the fabric of her dress, but it felt firm, almost rounded. Jeyne felt it more closely, trying to ignore the voices of terror starting to scream in her head. Her stomach was protruding, in a way she knew she couldn’t pretend was from food. Jeyne remembered the hunger, and the sickness. Her legs gave out, and she collapsed on her bed. She had bled before she left King’s Landing, she remembered that, but she couldn’t remember after that. Jeyne pushed herself to her feet on shaky legs. If she found someone who could end it, then she’d never have to think about it again, and no one would ever know.

Jeyne knocked on the rough door. She had found her way here on her own; she had been too afraid to ask Theon or Asha.

“Come in.”

Jeyne pushed the door open, and stepped into a small room, crowded with bottles and bundles of dried herbs. Standing by a table was a rough-faced woman in middle age, wearing plain, clean clothes and with her black and silver hair wound into a tight bun.

“You’re the midwife?”

“Masha. What is it you need?” She sounded so stern, Jeyne nearly turned and ran.

“I think I’m with child.” Jeyne smoothed her skirts, staring at her hands. They didn’t feel like hers, they were too distant for that.

Masha’s eyes widened. “Tell me what happened.”

“I’ve been hungry and I’ve been ill and I can feel it.” Jeyne spoke as calmly as she could, trying not to break.

Masha reached out, and ran a hand over Jeyne’s belly. Jeyne could feel it pressing on what was growing there, and she cringed away. “How old are you?” She sounded horrified.

“I am… almost four-and-ten.” That was easier than her real age, even if only by a little.

“You’re of an age with my youngest…” Masha’s voice was sad and soft, strange coming out of such a hard woman.

“Can- can you fix it?” Jeyne clenched her hands in her skirts, so tightly it hurt.

“I can’t give you the moon tea, if that’s what you’re asking. You’re too young, and it’s too far along. The moon tea could leave you barren—”

“I don’t care about that!” Jeyne’s voice came out as a terrified shriek she couldn’t control.

“I know that, but it could cripple you, or even kill you. I’ve seen this before. I know what to do.”

“Please…” Jeyne managed to force through her tears. “Please, help me.”

“I will. I’ve got some things I can give you, to settle your stomach. I know it’s not much but—”

Jeyne grabbed her hand. “Thank you. Thank you.”

Jeyne didn’t remember getting back to her rooms. She remembered stumbling out of Masha’s room, a dark cloud swelling to fill her mind. At some point, the black cloud in her head lifted, and there she was. She sat on the bench, without meeting Theon’s eyes.

“Jeyne? What’s wrong?”

Jeyne didn’t answer. She couldn’t answer.

“Please, Jeyne.” His voice was so sad. He shouldn’t be sad for her; not like she was now. “I know there’s not much I can do, but if there’s something wrong, I want to help—”

“You can’t help.” Saying it was like ripping her heart out, but she had to. “Theon, I’m with child.” She squeezed her eyes closed, so she didn’t have to see the disgust on his face.

“Leave me. Please.” Her voice was so wrenched and tear-choked, she barely recognized it. When Jeyne heard the door close, she flung herself onto her bed and cried. Her sobs were awful, guttural animal noises, that wrenched out of her painfully. She was so stupid, acting like she was allowed to be something, like she would ever be allowed to stop being a monster’s used-up, broken toy. She stayed there, curled into a tiny ball of pain, until her body refused to let her cry anymore, and all that came out were dry, retching heaves. Jeyne wished desperately that there was someone there who would hold her, who would wipe away her tears, but she couldn’t ask that of anyone. You have to pretend, they had told her, before they sent her north, if you aren’t pretending, they’ll know you’re a whore. She was stupid. She had stopped pretending and now everything knew what she was. Jeyne dug her fingernails into her scalp until it hurt, and screamed. They would throw her out, into the cold, and there was only one way for her to make her way in the world alone. She would have to go back to everything she thought she had escaped.

Her door slammed open. “Jeyne! I’m here!”

“Just go!” Jeyne wailed, uncaring of how she sounded. “Just leave me!”

Theon took a deep breath. “I know I failed you. I know I left. I will do better, if you let me.” His voice was choked, and Jeyne managed to raise her head to look at him.

“That’s—that’s not—” Jeyne shook her head.

“What?”

Jeyne raised her eyes, and saw Theon’s eyes fill with tears.

Jeyne took a deep, shuddering breath. “You—You did everything you could. I’m—I’m the one who’s broken. I can’t ask you to keep caring!” She dissolved into violent tears on the last word.

Theon wrapped one thin arm around her shoulders. He was so gentle, and Jeyne wanted to collapse into him. “Did you think I was angry at you?”

Jeyne nodded, weakly.

“Oh, Jeyne. I didn’t know. All I could think about was how I failed. You needed me, and all I could think about was myself.”

“It’s not your fault. You did everything you could. Can—can I ask you to stay with me? Please?” Her voice was so small and frightened sounding, and she hated herself a little for it.

“Of course you can.” Theon sounded like he was on the verge of tears himself. “I don’t know what I can do, but you will always be welcome.”

Jeyne couldn’t quite make herself believe it, but she knew she could trust Theon, and she held to that tiny thread as tightly as she could. She leaned in a little, to rest her head on Theon’s chest.

“I’m sorry, Jeyne” he whispered, wiping away the tears that still seeped through with his thumb. “I’m sorry. You needed me and I wasn’t there for you, even after I promised.”

“You didn’t have to be there,” Jeyne said, weakly. “You have more important things to worry about than me.”

“Jeyne.” Theon gripped her shoulders, not painfully but firmly, and turned her to face him. “Jeyne, you are the only good thing I ever did. Looking after you is the most important thing to me right now.”

“I’m not important—” Jeyne broke into tears again, and collapsed into Theon’s chest. Theon held her as she cried, stroking her hair gently. Jeyne let herself be held, made herself accept the comfort. Eventually, the weeping passed, and she lay limp in Theon’s arms, feeling his chest rise and fall under her cheek.

“I won’t be able to stop it,” Jeyne said, feeling shame well up in her at her words.

“I’ll look after you,” said Theon, cupping her head protectively, gently stroking the places where her nails had dug into her skull.

A sudden thought struck Jeyne. “Does Lady Asha know?” Surely Lady Asha would be ashamed of her. Asha wouldn’t have let anybody hurt her; she was too brave for that.

“She told me to go to you. Said I needed to make sure you were looked after.”

“Even though she- she knows?” Jeyne couldn’t bring herself to say what it was Asha knew.

“I think she was more angry at me for leaving you than anything.” Theon stroked her hair. “See? She cares about you too.”

“I just don’t know why. Why would she care about me?”

Theon rubbed her back gently. “She cares about me.”

“You’re her brother. She has to care about you. I’m just a steward’s daughter, just a whore. Why should she care about me?”

“Because…” Theon shrugged. “Because you’re Jeyne.”

Jeyne threw her arms around Theon. One of his arms was around her, and the other hand was cradling the back of her head. Jeyne curled into him. He smelled like lye soap and wood smoke, a safe, comforting smell. She still had Theon. Even now, even with what she was, she still had Theon.

Jeyne wasn’t sure how long she lay in Theon’s arms. She might have slept, or just drifted between sleep and wakefulness; she wasn’t sure. A knock at the door broke into her awareness, and she jumped.

“It’s Asha, Jeyne,” said Theon, stroking her hair. Jeyne nodded, and tried to still her thumping heart.

“Come in, my lady,” she called.

Asha opened the door, crossed the floor to them, and before Jeyne could respond, swept her into a tight embrace.

“Lady Asha?” Asha was sturdy, and warm, and smelled like the sea, and Jeyne buried her face in the scratchy wool of her tunic.

“You’re safe. Did Theon tell you that? You’re safe.” Asha broke the embrace, and looked at Jeyne.

Jeyne refused to let herself cry in front of Asha, and she twined her skirt in her hands to stay calm. “Yes, my lady.” Her voice shook, but she was proud that she didn’t do more than that. “Thank you for your kindness.”

“Did you really think we’d make you leave?”

Jeyne shrugged. “I thought maybe you wouldn’t want… someone like me around.”

Asha smiled. “Jeyne, you’re better company than most of the islands.” She reached out her warm, calloused hand and briefly stroked Jeyne’s cheek. “You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Jeyne choked. Everything about her felt wrong, but Asha seemed so confident. It was like her words were a blade, cutting through the tangled darkness surrounding her. “You are both… too kind.”

Theon stepped up to her, and put his arm around her, protectively. Asha smiled at the two of them.

“You should eat, Jeyne.” Theon said to her. Jeyne nodded. There were so many feelings swirling around her right now, it was hard to tell if she was hungry or not, but she had missed her midday meal.

“I’d like that.”

When they reached Lady Asha’s rooms, Jeyne smelled the fish stew, and realized just how hungry she was. She forgot everything she’d ever learned about decorum and fell on her food like a starving animal, shovelling it into her mouth with unseemly speed. Theon chuckled.

“I’m sorry,” Jeyne said, when her mouth was empty.

“Don’t apologize,” said Theon, “It’s just good to see you happy.”

He reached out and touched her hand, gently. Asha was smiling at her too, Jeyne realized. She squeezed Theon’s hand, to steady herself against the mixture of heady feelings rushing through her. The fear and sorrow hadn’t vanished, but now they were accompanied by hope and safety, and Jeyne smiled at the two people who had given them to her.

~

“Theon, I’m with child.”

Theon felt the bottom of his stomach drop out, and cold flood his veins. Jeyne was turned away from him, curled into a tiny ball. He stepped towards her, reaching one hand out tentatively.

“Leave me. Please.” Her voice was tear-choked and strained. Theon dropped his hand. He turned, and left her to weep.

Of course, she didn’t want him there, he thought as he walked down to the shoreline. He had failed. He had failed in the only thing he did for her. The wind hit him, hard, but he welcomed it. It should have hurt more; he deserved it. Theon fell to his knees on the freezing stones of the beach. He had kneeled like this in front of Winterfell’s heart tree. The Old Gods had said his name, but what good was that now? He wasn’t the man they thought he was. He was ruined and broken and weak. It rhymes with weak. Theon choked back an awful, broken sound, somewhere between a laugh and a sob. The mad thought ran through his mind that he should just walk out into the ocean, and let it wash everything away. The only thing stopping him was knowing that the Drowned God hated cowards.

“Theon!”

Theon ignored Asha’s call. Nothing good could come of it.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Asha sounded furious, and for a moment, Theon thought she would hit him. Instead, she pulled him close, and that was almost worse. He would have pushed away from her warm arms, but he didn’t have the strength.

“I had to come looking for you when you weren’t there for our midday meal.” She sighed. “Fuck, Theon. Come on.” Asha took Theon by the arm, and dragged him inside. When they reached her rooms, she shoved him into a chair.

“Eat.” She shoved a bowl of fish stew at him, and glared at Theon until he ate it. He could barely taste it, and it sat heavy and unpleasant in his stomach.

“Now, tell me what happened.”

Theon stared at his hands. “It’s Jeyne. She—” Saying it was like pushing a boulder uphill. “She’s with child.”

Theon still couldn’t bring himself to look at Asha, but he heard her horrified intake of breath.

“I- I failed, Asha. I tried to save her, but I didn’t do enough. She’s hurting now, and it’s all my fault.”

Asha sighed, and rested a hand on his head. “Theon. Don’t be such a fool.”

“What?” Theon was confused. Asha didn’t sound angry, and her hand on his head was gentle.

“I don’t think how she feels about you has changed, Theon. Even with this.”

“How could it not? If I had been a proper man, if I hadn’t been so weak, maybe I would have done more sooner and she wouldn’t be—” Theon remembered the look on Jeyne’s face, and felt his gorge rise.

“Stop worrying about what you didn’t do, and go do something now.”

“What should I do?”

“Just go to her. Look after her,” Asha looked at him appraisingly, “that’s what you want to do, isn’t it?”

Theon nodded. “I just don’t know if I can…” He trailed off at the look on Asha’s face.

Theon swallowed his fears, and went to Jeyne. Something wrenched inside him at her words, and he held her. He was selfishly glad at the way she curled into him, the way she relaxed as he smoothed her hair away from her forehead and pulled her close.

Jeyne was curled in on herself under the covers. She looked so small under there, and Theon was struck again by how young she was.

“Do you want me to stay?”

Jeyne’s shoulder’s stiffened. “That’s not proper—I shouldn’t—” She took a deep breath. “Yes. Please.”

Theon lifted the blankets and slipped in behind her. She was stiff and tense.

“It’s so stupid,” Jeyne whispered. “I worried so much, about getting everything right, about being a good girl, and it didn’t help anything. I was so stupid.”

Theon reached out without thinking, pulling her close and pressing her back to his chest. Jeyne felt so delicate in his arms, so fragile. He could feel the ridges of her spine pressing into his stomach, and he thought of the scars that he knew covered her back. Nothing he could do would ever erase those scars.

“Is this—” Theon didn’t know what he wanted to ask.

“Yes.” Jeyne reached out, and took one of his hands, pulling it to her chest. Her hands were small, and warm, and perfect, and Theon felt warmth fill him at her touch. He pressed his face into her hair.

“I’m still here, Jeyne,” he whispered, as much for himself as for her. “I’m still here.”

She gripped at his hand like it was a lifeline. “Thank you.”

Theon held her, listening to the soft rhythm of her breathing. He could give her this, and maybe that was good enough for her.

Theon jolted awake. He was in Jeyne’s rooms, he told himself, to still his beating heart. There were dim coals in the fireplace, and soft fabrics, and Jeyne was curled next to him, her dark curls just peeking over the edge of the blanket. Theon pushed himself up, feeling every bone in his body scream in protest, and sighed. He felt more tired now than he had before he went to sleep.

“Theon?” Jeyne’s voice was quiet and sleep-blurred.

“Go back to sleep, Jeyne.”

She didn’t listen to him. Theon heard the blankets rustle, and then felt Jeyne rest a small, gentle hand against his back.

“Come back to bed.”

Theon’s back was a mess of dead, scarred skin, but enough feeling remained that he could feel Jeyne’s hand stroking over it. For one mad moment he wished he couldn’t, that he was cut off from even that small kindness. “I’m here.”

He was too tired to resist as she pulled him down to the bed and curled up against him. Now his back was pressed to her stomach, and her arms were wrapped around him.

“See?” Jeyne whispered into the nape of his neck. “Doesn’t this feel safe?”

“You—You don’t have to—” It was hard to speak.

“Shhhh,” Jeyne soothed, “I want to look after you. You’re looking after me.”

“I—” Theon had no idea what he wanted to say. That he didn’t need it? That he needed it, but didn’t deserve it? That he wasn’t really looking after Jeyne? There was nothing he could say, so he stayed quiet.

Jeyne pressed against him, warm and protective. “I want you to feel the way you make me feel.”

Theon took one of her hands and entwined his remaining fingers with hers. She didn’t pull away, and he felt something swelling in his chest at her touch. “You do, Jeyne. You do.”